This Post Comes With A Warning

A lot is going on in this head of mine...most of it's a downer...you've been warned.

Boys make me mad...and happy...and confused...and a lot of other complicated emotions. I hate having a girly brain that takes me to places it shouldn't because of one statement or wayward glance. Why do guy/girl relationships seem to always be so complicated in one way or another?

I wish I could skip Christmas. I can't get over the feeling that Christmas is going to be positively awful this year for a variety of reasons that I would feel horrible for stating.

I miss structure and knowing what life was going to look like from day to day. I'm all for random moments of adventure and excitement but a whole life worth is too much for me. I can feel myself falling apart under it all.

Even when you feel like it's difficult to fit into your own family you find out it's a cakewalk compared to fitting into someone else's.

I've cried a lot today. Bad timing since our house is full of people. I can't seem to make it stop though. God give me strength and help me pull it together for the sake of those around me and to prevent more awkwardness.

Words can really hurt. I wish people would think about that before they opened their mouths.

In general, I just feel really sad and lonely today.

Recent Thoughts

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. A few of them are:

*The ways God has changed me and helped me grow over the past 4 or 5 years. A woman from our church told me yesterday that I have a very calm presence and that made me feel like maybe I'm not so far away from being that beautiful, inviting woman that welcomes people to her that I'd really like to be someday. :)

*Many of the people I've come to know and love here will be leaving before I know it. New orders or the changing seasons of life are sending these people off to new adventures. I'm so thankful for the friends I've made. I hate thinking about saying goodbye to them-some for a short time, some a rather long time, others forever. How strange to think about all the people that come and go here because of the Navy. How strange to think about what my role is in their lives and what their role is in mine. I'm kind of excited to see what God has in store for me and what kind of friendships he's going to open up for me. :)

*I love living with Amy. Last night we sat in her room and chit-chatted and made fun of each other and laughed a lot. She brings so much joy to my life and I am thankful for her. :)

*Christmas is a wonderful time. It will be strange and bittersweet to be away from my family this year. It almost doesn't seem like Christmastime because things are so different...not bad, just different. Time to start learning new traditions...

*Sometimes I feel like I'm too easy to read and it frustrates me a little. That seems like a random statement but I promise it's not. I just don't want to tell you all the thoughts that lead up to it.

*God loves me a lot. Sometimes I take that for granted. He deserves to be praised and adored for all he does in my life and I should love him more than anything else. So...I'll be working on that. :)

While I'm Waiting

I can't help wondering how I can miss someone so much that I've never even met. I want you to know that I think about and pray for you every day. I am so excited for the time when God will bring us together. In the meantime, this song encourages and challenges me as I wait... :)

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

--While I'm Waiting: John Waller

Always Enough

What an emotional roller coaster my life has been recently! Last week was filled with great moments of digging into the Word and having amazing conversation with the Lord accompanied by times of extreme hardship, discouragement, and even some anger. It was so wonderful to focus on the greatness, might, and awesomeness of our God. He really filled me up with reminders of just how powerful He is and how worthy He is of my honor and praise.

The frustrating and discouraging parts of my week mostly happened on Thursday and Friday as the reality of probably not ending the year with a job hit me and as I spent an entire day attempting to figure out insurance issues and how to get my car fixed from an accident that happened almost a month ago. I think the worst part of all of it was being on the phone with my dad, already upset about everything and instead of receiving encouragement and love getting a very forceful lecture on how I need to try harder and stop being a failure. I want so badly to be enough for him...to make it easy for him to love me just as I am. Sadly, I don't think that will ever happen and I know that because of that fact I must work hard to remind myself that the truth is I am enough. God created me in his image and for a specific purpose. That truth is what matters--no matter what anyone in this world says to me, even my earthly father.

Sorry, this entry just got all sad, though I suppose I needed to throw all that into the great unknown instead of just letting it sit in me.

I received the new Casting Crowns CD in the mail today. That made me very happy. :) Below is a link to a YouTube video of one of their songs called Always Enough. (you'll have to copy and paste it because it's being dumb for some reason...:/ ) It's definitely a reminder that I need these days. Hope you enjoy it. :)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV4-BFQs6pE

Humbled and Amazed

"Day and night they never stop saying: 'Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.' Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor, and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives forever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives forever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say: 'You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor, and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." -Revelation 4:8-11

Four living creatures made for the sole purpose of crying out praises and thanksgiving to God...Twenty-four elders falling down at the feet of Jesus laying their crowns and all that they are in front of him and lavishing all glory and honor upon him...can you see it? Can you visualize the scene laid out for us in Revelation? Magnificent creatures, those in powerful positions falling down in humble reverence! Are you amazed? Does it take your breath away? Are you humbled that our Father has shared this scene with you? That one day you will be a witness to these things? It overwhelms me! It fills me up and makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs the praises He deserves! I want to sing about the greatness and splendor of my God!

Sometimes it's hard for me to read the word of God and feel excited or moved or even encouraged because I'm not reading it with an open heart. A heart that is yearning for more, a heart that is honestly seeking to grow closer to the Father. Recently though God has been so good to me as I've been digging into his word. I've been reading a lot about God's strength and might and I am consumed by how powerful he is and reminded over and over that he has control over every situation, fear, insecurity, joy, and source of laughter in my life. He surely deserves to be praised and honored! May I fall before his throne amazed and in the humble reverence that he alone is worthy of!

Gee...thanks

I complain a lot. Now I don't mean I'm a grumpy gus all the time or anything (at least I don't think I am!) but I've realized more and more that I am much more likely to tell someone what went wrong in my day instead of what went right...what blessings the Lord has given me. That is not o.k. Now if something really great happens that I've been waiting for then that's the first thing I talk about but what about the little things?

The past two days God has given us glorious sunshine during the day and clear, beautiful skies at night with the most gorgeous moon you've ever seen. Did I stand amazed in the midst of His creation?? No, I complained about the fact that it's now cold enough that I have to scrap frost off my car. What a selfish child of the King I've become. He gives and gives yet I look at him and say, "That's all ya got for me? Gee thanks."

Gee thanks!? He's given me a roof over my head, food to eat, friends to laugh and grow with all over the country, a family that loves me, a new adventure and place to explore and wonder at, gifts and abilities that I love, a season of life that is so unique and irreplaceable, and most importantly his never-ending, never-failing, never-lessening love.

It seems I have quite a bit to be thankful for and I think it's time I started appreciating it and giving glory to the One who's given it all. So thank you, Abba, Father, for the blessings big and small that you gently place in my life every single day. Help me recognize each blessing and stop to take the time to thank you for them.

Changes

I wish I had a job. The company that had originally said they were interested have now decided not to hire anyone until at least the beginning of next year. I’m starting to get really frustrated and I hate that I’m basically taking advantage of the goodwill of others. I want so badly to get to the point where life is normal here but alas it seems changes are coming in great heaps in the near future. Matt returns on Saturday…I believe it will be fine in general but I am a bit nervous about it all. We don’t know each other and with Amy working during the day there could be some awkward “Ok, so we’re both in the house without Amy” moments. Haha…

Also big news is that Matt’s daughter may indeed be moving out here soon. This was looking like it wasn’t going to happen but apparently things have changed. My thoughts on this are still a bit muddled. I think it would be a great thing for this young girl to be here where she would have good role models (of course ;) and could be closer to her father.I also think it will change Amy and I’s lives. Amy’s more drastically than mine. We’re 23….we’re used to complete freedom, having people over until all hours of the morning, and occasionally being really random and silly around the house…sillier than 23 year olds should probably be! Haha!

Anyway, there are many more things that could be happening in the future none of which are things I can control or change and it seems rather ridiculous to wish I could so I will continue to put my faith and trust in the Father who loves me unconditionally and who has already laid out a perfect plan for my life.

Holiday Weekend Madness!

Thanksgiving festivities were even better than I had anticipated. Amy and I joined the Miller family (including their cousin Lauren and both their grandmas), as well as two Navy guys Nick and Jacob who weren't able to go home for the holidays. It was a great group and we had a lot of fun laughing, playing games, and wait for it....hearing the neighbor's son play the bagpipes! Random I know, but he came over and entertained us after our meal...it was actually pretty neat. :)

Friday night Amy and I went over to Nick's where we watched "One Night With the King" and played Call of Duty and Rockband with him and Gerrit. These guys are so funny....they get so into these games! I just don't get it...maybe because I didn't grow up with video games and such I don't understand the amazingness of them?? haha...it was fun to play their games with them and I'm pretty sure my pathetic attempts at actually succeeding at any of them gave them a good laugh as well. ;)

Saturday consisited of massive amounts of fun! Tim planned for several of us to drive to Seattle to see a play of "A Christmas Carol". The girls dressed up in fancy dresses and the boys wore nice jackets and ties. We all looked pretty darn amazing if I may say so myself. :) Tim drove a van which most people rode in and Nick drove my car with me and Amy. In our car we basically had a worship session all the way to Seattle and I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty awesome. :) I just love worshipping with friends and it made me especialy happy that neither Amy nor Nick held back but sang loud and with whatever emotion the song brought to them. What a great way to start an evening! We got to the theater just in time for the play and it was FANTASTIC!! I am officially ready for the Christmas season! lol Afterwards we decided to visit the gum wall...which is cool and disgusting all at the same time...haha and Nick, Amy, and I wandered around Seattle a bit because we were seperated from the other group. What a glorious night!

Car Accidents and Relationship Discussions...It Must Be Monday

As I was driving to my friend Tim's house yesterday I was in a car accident. Thankfully it was a very small incident, it wasn't my fault, and a cop happened to be sitting right there and saw/videotaped the whole thing. Things like this always upset me so of course I cried but honestly I was fine and only minor work will need to be done to the car. I called Tim and told him I would be late and he came and sat with me while the cop took care of all the paperwork and photos. It was nice to have someone with me to keep my mind off what had happened and all the thoughts of everything I'll have to do now.

I must admit that I was pretty nervous about meeting Tim but I have been pleasantly surprised at the way our friendship has been developing. We both seem to be quite comfortable making fun of each other as well as ourselves and the sarcastic nature we seem to share is fantastic and makes for good times. :)

After getting everything squared away with the cop Tim and I headed out to have coffee, which is why I was on my way to meet him in the first place. It was quite an enjoyable time of just getting to know one another better and having a slightly deeper discussion on what God's purpose was in creating us. We talked a lot about loving God, loving others, building relationships with people around us, and how we do that/what that looks like in our lives.

Relationship. It was almost funny that this was the topic Tim brought up because it's the thing I've been struggling with the most since being here. How do I form relationships with these people? What is my role in the relationships that are already formed? What are appropriate and inappropriate ways for me to move forward with building meaningful relationships with people-especially since the group I'm becoming a part of is mostly guys? (all but one of which are at least 2 years, most of them 3-4 years, younger than I am)

I still don't really have an answer to any of those questions except time. All I can really do at this point is continue to make myself available to people in situations I know they are comfortable with. I would love to sit down one-on-one with several of these people but at the same time I don't want them to feel like they have to...uh...I'm overthinking like a typical girl. haha...Right now I'll just try to be part of their lives...I'll go shooting with the guys, to plays and Sunday lunches with the group, and appreciate the small steps forward being made. :)

I haven't felt this way in a long time...rescue me Father...help me remember that you are the Champion of my life and you're never going to let the evil one defeat me

A Beauty To Unveil

I recently bought the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I have read this book once before but as I've begun round two of reading it I've realized that I've grown so much yet I still feel so far away from the person I long to be....from the woman I long to be.

The most recent chapter I read was called A Beauty to Unveil. "Me? A beauty to unveil?? I wish it were true..." is what immediately went through my head. Hmm...perhaps I still have some work to do on my self-image. :/

As I continued reading I stumbled upon the section below and it made my heart cry out. "Me! I want this to be me! Lord, mold me into the kind of woman they are describing!"

"A woman whose heart is at rest invites others to rest...You find room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. That is what it is like to be with a beautiful woman. You are free to be you. It is one of life's greatest gifts...She says to the world, through her invitation to relationship, You are wanted here. We want to know you. Come in. Share yourself. Be enjoyed. Enjoy me as I share myself...A woman who is unveiling her beauty is inviting others to life. She risks being vulnerable: exposing her true heart and inviting others to share theirs. She is not demanding, but she is hopeful."

Satan made quick work of reminding me that I've never really been that woman in the past so how could I ever become her now...but this time I'm fighting back. I will not give in to the doubts and fears. I have learned that I am strong in the Lord. I have no reason to worry or fear what lies ahead.

Since moving out here I have had to basically live outside my comfort zone...no tiny steps out for a while then jumping back in for me. It has been a constant effort to make myself available to people and situations here and quite frankly I've been doing great! (anyone who knows me well knows how difficult stepping out of my comfort zone is for me) My desire now is to go deeper with the people I've met. I want to know them-personally, intimately-and I want them to know me the same way. I want to "unveil my beauty and invite them in." That is my prayer. That I would not hold back any part of me. That I would become open and available to share my heartwith anyone who would like to experience it.

Lord, help me remember that you delight in revealing yourself to those who wholeheartedly seek you. That you want to be known and explored and that I, having been made beautiful and captivating in your image, have something to reveal to the world as well.

Lately

I woke up to the brilliance of the sun shining through my window this morning...it was simply glorious. :) Yesterday was a rainy, windy day. I didn't really mind during the day but for some reason, once the darkness of night had set in the howling wind and pounding rain became an almost frightening thing, especially once Amy had gone to bed. It was such a lonely sound and I felt lonely in the midst of it...

Anyway, those feelings from last night have dissipated and I'm thankful for a new day. I must admit that as soon as the weekdays begin I am ready for the weekend to start. Why?? I am so bored!! Not to mention, I'm alone from the time I wake up until almost 6pm when Amy gets home from work. During the week I crave human interaction...on the weekend I can't seem to get away from human interaction. haha...don't get me wrong, I've actually been loving it.

Last weekend Amy and I had a fairly large group of people over to watch Defiance. It was a great movie but I felt completely emotionally drained at the end. Still, I recommend seeing it. :) On Saturday several of us saw a movie then went out for dinner. After that we made pop bottle bombs. Yeah, we're awesome. :) I actually had a really good time helping put them together and then watching them blow up! They smelled really bad though...On Sunday Amy and I saw a movie on base for free with Tim and Nick. It was a really good movie and the company was quite enjoyable. I really do like smaller group interactions better. Amy and I bummed around the house for a couple hours after that just talking and watching a little of Braveheart. :) Then we headed to the Pier which is her church's young adults group. It was good as well. It has been wonderful to talk with people from this group or just watch their actions and see how much they honestly love God and want to serve Him with their lives. One of the individuals in the group, named Anthony, left yesterday for Kitar. (sp?) We as a group laid hands on him and his fiance Holly and sent them off with our love and prayers upon them. That, in my mind, is what Christian friendship should be about-a willingness to pray for each other and support each other beyond the "normal" perimeters we so often bind ourselves with.

Next weekend Amy and I have been invited to have dessert at the pastor's house from the church we've been attending. There will be other people there that are newer to the church as well. It should be a nice time to meet new people and make a connection with the pastor and his wife. On Saturday we're going to Burlington to shop during the day and in the evening we're getting a group of gals together to see New Moon. Sunday is the big day of the weekend though because after church I, along with several others, am going shooting. I've never even held a gun let along shot one so this should be quite an interesting experience and, since I tend to shy away from experiences that make me nervous or could possibly make me look like an idiot...I'm really nervous! haha...I know it will be fine I just wish I knew what to expect. Oh well...I guess I'll just hang on and enjoy the ride of more new experiences!

Lies, Truth, and Everything In Between

There is a certain joy that fills my heart when I get the privilege of spending an evening with other Christians and when that time spent together is focused on Christ and what He has done in each of our lives. Tonight I went to a family's house from my church who participate in a ministry outreach for individuals living on the island that are involved in the military. It's kind of a home-away-from-home kind of feeling. Warm, intimate, wonderful. :) It began with all of us sitting down and enjoying dinner together. We then sat and talked a little about the ministry overall and then we went around the room and each of us gave a brief testimony of our lives and what has brought us to this point. This time of sharing refreshed me in a sense. I was quite pleased that the other people shared openly and honestly about their lives and hence, I felt completely comfortable to share my own story as well.

Thinking back I can't even recall the last time I was with a group of people and we were all sharing our testimonies. This is something I love doing with people. What better way to get to know a person than by hearing what God has done in and through them throughout their lives?? This was especially meaningful to me tonight because I'm so new and overall I feel like I don't really know anyone. (which I know is how it goes...I just hate feeling that way even though I know relationships take time to build. ) Hearing people's testimonies and talking with them afterwords made me feel...more part of things. More connected. I like that.

As we were all walking to our vehicles one of the guys that was there gave me a hug goodbye and said he was really glad that am here and part of their group. Such a small gesture-such a huge deal to me-and it's not the first time someone from this general grouping of people has shown me acceptance. The new girl-wanted, liked, fitting in. So many fears beginning to melt away as small gestures are starting to make the lies that Satan has been planting in my head since I arrived here disappear. The words "you are not enough. You will never be enough. You will never fit in." have been tossing around in my head for days. It's horrible. It's hard to ignore. It's a weak point for me in general. And to be completely honest it was really starting to bring me down. Thankfully God really is a good, mighty, and loving Father who cares about how we feel and what goes on in our lives. He continually brings these little blessings...a hug from a new friend, a dinner invitation from people I've never met, a plate of cookies and brownies left on my porch by a couple from the church I went to on Sunday, a late-night stroll and conversation with Amy.

So many good things...what reason do I have to doubt that I am loved? That He created me for a specific purpose and He has given me gifts and abilities to accomplish that purpose in His time and according to His will. That no matter how inadequate, frightened, or insecure I may feel, the truth remains-I AM ENOUGH. :)

I'm Here!!!

Well friends I have finally made it! After 5 long days of traveling I have reached my final destination in Oak Harbor, WA!! The journey was a good and BEAUTIFUL one! God granted us constant saftey on the road, great weather, the car worked well, we were able to rest each night, and I got to experience new and breathtaking scenes of God's creative talents displayed all over!!! It was my first time seeing mountains and I often found myself with tears in my eyes as my entire being was overwhelmed with joy. We are such a small piece of all that God has created and he loves us the MOST...what an awesome and humbling thought! :)

During the journey we stopped at interesting places (including a gas station with a sign that said "Baby rattlers inside-enter with caution")! haha! My mom and I had a good time driving to Nebraska and visiting a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a long time. Later, Amy and I were able to share many times of laughter, excitement, personal struggles and fears, and the encouragement that only true friends can bring to one another. What a blessing the whole journey has been! I find myself nervous but also incredibly excited to see what the next part of the journey holds for me! Until next time! :)

So It Begins

Today I said goodbye to the girl who has known me since I was three. We've always been best friends. We always will be best friends. I will miss her terribly. With that final farwell my goodbyes have ended pretty much ended, leaving only my immediate family. My church, my friends, my family, it's all done. Part of me is so glad that it's over and that this chapter of my life is officially closing. Another part finds it painfully bittersweet as I prepare for the crazy whirlwind adventure awaiting me in Washinton. I am ready, but I am also scared. Things are looking good, including the fact that I got a job interview. God is continuing to open doors for me; continuing to show me that this is indeed His will for my life. I'm excited to see Amy again, to meet new people, to jump into new ministry opportunities. Most of all right now I am just excited to be there. I do not look forward to the next 5 days I will spend in the car, though it is a bit of a necessary part of my journey...lol :) I suppose I'm rambling a bit but it's my journal and therefore my right to do so. Ah well...I shall close now anyway and continue to prepare for my journey-mostly by going to bed. 1o hours in the car tomorow...I definitely need my rest.

Saying goodbye is a strange sort of thing...

When I think about all the goodbyes I will be saying over the next couple weeks there is sadness but not enough to get me down or make me dwell on it for very long. The strange part comes in after the goodbye is said and I am walking/driving away from that person. It is then that the floodgates open; as if my mind does not actually comprehend what my words and actions mean until they are completely done and over with. How strange a feeling...I suppose I am so baffled by this because it has never been this way for me before. Those who know me well know that I tend to 'wear my heart on my sleeve' and I just don't hide emotion well. I feel almost cold and cruel in the midst of my goodbyes because I seem unable to cry and I even feel...happy? Excited? Simply ready for the whole goodbye process to be over? Yes, happy feelings are indeed what I typically feel...at that moment. Then I walk away and begin my cry-fest thinking about how much better I would have felt if I could have cried with the person I was saying goodbye to who now thinks it doesn't bother me at all to be leaving them.

*Sigh*...does this all sound completely nonsensical...or worse, cold-hearted and cruel? I HATE saying goodbye to the many, many people I love and whom I won't be seeing again until...well, just until.

There is nothing about my decision to move that I regret. I hope I haven't given that impression. There's just something about saying goodbye...so please, when I'm saying my goodbye to you, know that I love you and I will miss you terribly. Also know that just because I don't cry in front of you doesn't mean I'm not crying as I walk away.

Peace Overflowing

I am so overwhelmed by God's grace and provision the past few weeks. He has granted me with such a peace about this decision and I feel like a weight I've been carrying around for months is gone. He has been preparing me for this and I believe I am transitioning from one season of life into another. That's always scary because there is no way to know what to expect but overall I am just excited about the journey and what God plans to teach me through it.

I can't think of anyone I'd rather grow and learn with than Amy, who seems to be my "soul mate" friend. In just four years we have come to know each other so well and our relationship has been such a blessing and source of honesty, trust, and strength for both of us. Who would've thought that two random girls, from two random places would be assigned to room together their freshman year and come out of the whole experience as best friends. God really does work in mysterious ways... :)

The Purpose

Xanga seems to be out of date these days so I thought I would catch up with the times and start a newer blog. This is where I shall captivate you with exciting tales of my life (especially as I make the big move from Indiana to Washington!), my struggles, my victories, new friendships, old friendships, how God is moving, and so much more! But right now I need to get ready for youth group because I am LATE! :)