Sunday, October 18, 2009

Saying goodbye is a strange sort of thing...

When I think about all the goodbyes I will be saying over the next couple weeks there is sadness but not enough to get me down or make me dwell on it for very long. The strange part comes in after the goodbye is said and I am walking/driving away from that person. It is then that the floodgates open; as if my mind does not actually comprehend what my words and actions mean until they are completely done and over with. How strange a feeling...I suppose I am so baffled by this because it has never been this way for me before. Those who know me well know that I tend to 'wear my heart on my sleeve' and I just don't hide emotion well. I feel almost cold and cruel in the midst of my goodbyes because I seem unable to cry and I even feel...happy? Excited? Simply ready for the whole goodbye process to be over? Yes, happy feelings are indeed what I typically that moment. Then I walk away and begin my cry-fest thinking about how much better I would have felt if I could have cried with the person I was saying goodbye to who now thinks it doesn't bother me at all to be leaving them.

*Sigh*...does this all sound completely nonsensical...or worse, cold-hearted and cruel? I HATE saying goodbye to the many, many people I love and whom I won't be seeing again until...well, just until.
There is nothing about my decision to move that I regret. I hope I haven't given that impression. There's just something about saying please, when I'm saying my goodbye to you, know that I love you and I will miss you terribly. Also know that just because I don't cry in front of you doesn't mean I'm not crying as I walk away.

1 comment:

  1. You'll get to say "hello" to me! :-) ...but I understand what you're saying here. I had a lot of that with the people I met throughout my past summer. I think our minds go into denial at the time of saying goodbye...cause they know it's going to be hard and sad, and until the physical act of leaving forces the mind to comprehend the goodbye, it avoids it. So don't feel too bad. :-)