This Post Comes With A Warning

A lot is going on in this head of mine...most of it's a downer...you've been warned.

Boys make me mad...and happy...and confused...and a lot of other complicated emotions. I hate having a girly brain that takes me to places it shouldn't because of one statement or wayward glance. Why do guy/girl relationships seem to always be so complicated in one way or another?

I wish I could skip Christmas. I can't get over the feeling that Christmas is going to be positively awful this year for a variety of reasons that I would feel horrible for stating.

I miss structure and knowing what life was going to look like from day to day. I'm all for random moments of adventure and excitement but a whole life worth is too much for me. I can feel myself falling apart under it all.

Even when you feel like it's difficult to fit into your own family you find out it's a cakewalk compared to fitting into someone else's.

I've cried a lot today. Bad timing since our house is full of people. I can't seem to make it stop though. God give me strength and help me pull it together for the sake of those around me and to prevent more awkwardness.

Words can really hurt. I wish people would think about that before they opened their mouths.

In general, I just feel really sad and lonely today.

Recent Thoughts

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. A few of them are:

*The ways God has changed me and helped me grow over the past 4 or 5 years. A woman from our church told me yesterday that I have a very calm presence and that made me feel like maybe I'm not so far away from being that beautiful, inviting woman that welcomes people to her that I'd really like to be someday. :)

*Many of the people I've come to know and love here will be leaving before I know it. New orders or the changing seasons of life are sending these people off to new adventures. I'm so thankful for the friends I've made. I hate thinking about saying goodbye to them-some for a short time, some a rather long time, others forever. How strange to think about all the people that come and go here because of the Navy. How strange to think about what my role is in their lives and what their role is in mine. I'm kind of excited to see what God has in store for me and what kind of friendships he's going to open up for me. :)

*I love living with Amy. Last night we sat in her room and chit-chatted and made fun of each other and laughed a lot. She brings so much joy to my life and I am thankful for her. :)

*Christmas is a wonderful time. It will be strange and bittersweet to be away from my family this year. It almost doesn't seem like Christmastime because things are so different...not bad, just different. Time to start learning new traditions...

*Sometimes I feel like I'm too easy to read and it frustrates me a little. That seems like a random statement but I promise it's not. I just don't want to tell you all the thoughts that lead up to it.

*God loves me a lot. Sometimes I take that for granted. He deserves to be praised and adored for all he does in my life and I should love him more than anything else. So...I'll be working on that. :)

While I'm Waiting

I can't help wondering how I can miss someone so much that I've never even met. I want you to know that I think about and pray for you every day. I am so excited for the time when God will bring us together. In the meantime, this song encourages and challenges me as I wait... :)

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

--While I'm Waiting: John Waller

Always Enough

What an emotional roller coaster my life has been recently! Last week was filled with great moments of digging into the Word and having amazing conversation with the Lord accompanied by times of extreme hardship, discouragement, and even some anger. It was so wonderful to focus on the greatness, might, and awesomeness of our God. He really filled me up with reminders of just how powerful He is and how worthy He is of my honor and praise.

The frustrating and discouraging parts of my week mostly happened on Thursday and Friday as the reality of probably not ending the year with a job hit me and as I spent an entire day attempting to figure out insurance issues and how to get my car fixed from an accident that happened almost a month ago. I think the worst part of all of it was being on the phone with my dad, already upset about everything and instead of receiving encouragement and love getting a very forceful lecture on how I need to try harder and stop being a failure. I want so badly to be enough for him...to make it easy for him to love me just as I am. Sadly, I don't think that will ever happen and I know that because of that fact I must work hard to remind myself that the truth is I am enough. God created me in his image and for a specific purpose. That truth is what matters--no matter what anyone in this world says to me, even my earthly father.

Sorry, this entry just got all sad, though I suppose I needed to throw all that into the great unknown instead of just letting it sit in me.

I received the new Casting Crowns CD in the mail today. That made me very happy. :) Below is a link to a YouTube video of one of their songs called Always Enough. (you'll have to copy and paste it because it's being dumb for some reason...:/ ) It's definitely a reminder that I need these days. Hope you enjoy it. :)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV4-BFQs6pE

Humbled and Amazed

"Day and night they never stop saying: 'Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.' Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor, and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives forever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives forever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say: 'You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor, and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." -Revelation 4:8-11

Four living creatures made for the sole purpose of crying out praises and thanksgiving to God...Twenty-four elders falling down at the feet of Jesus laying their crowns and all that they are in front of him and lavishing all glory and honor upon him...can you see it? Can you visualize the scene laid out for us in Revelation? Magnificent creatures, those in powerful positions falling down in humble reverence! Are you amazed? Does it take your breath away? Are you humbled that our Father has shared this scene with you? That one day you will be a witness to these things? It overwhelms me! It fills me up and makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs the praises He deserves! I want to sing about the greatness and splendor of my God!

Sometimes it's hard for me to read the word of God and feel excited or moved or even encouraged because I'm not reading it with an open heart. A heart that is yearning for more, a heart that is honestly seeking to grow closer to the Father. Recently though God has been so good to me as I've been digging into his word. I've been reading a lot about God's strength and might and I am consumed by how powerful he is and reminded over and over that he has control over every situation, fear, insecurity, joy, and source of laughter in my life. He surely deserves to be praised and honored! May I fall before his throne amazed and in the humble reverence that he alone is worthy of!

Gee...thanks

I complain a lot. Now I don't mean I'm a grumpy gus all the time or anything (at least I don't think I am!) but I've realized more and more that I am much more likely to tell someone what went wrong in my day instead of what went right...what blessings the Lord has given me. That is not o.k. Now if something really great happens that I've been waiting for then that's the first thing I talk about but what about the little things?

The past two days God has given us glorious sunshine during the day and clear, beautiful skies at night with the most gorgeous moon you've ever seen. Did I stand amazed in the midst of His creation?? No, I complained about the fact that it's now cold enough that I have to scrap frost off my car. What a selfish child of the King I've become. He gives and gives yet I look at him and say, "That's all ya got for me? Gee thanks."

Gee thanks!? He's given me a roof over my head, food to eat, friends to laugh and grow with all over the country, a family that loves me, a new adventure and place to explore and wonder at, gifts and abilities that I love, a season of life that is so unique and irreplaceable, and most importantly his never-ending, never-failing, never-lessening love.

It seems I have quite a bit to be thankful for and I think it's time I started appreciating it and giving glory to the One who's given it all. So thank you, Abba, Father, for the blessings big and small that you gently place in my life every single day. Help me recognize each blessing and stop to take the time to thank you for them.

Changes

I wish I had a job. The company that had originally said they were interested have now decided not to hire anyone until at least the beginning of next year. I’m starting to get really frustrated and I hate that I’m basically taking advantage of the goodwill of others. I want so badly to get to the point where life is normal here but alas it seems changes are coming in great heaps in the near future. Matt returns on Saturday…I believe it will be fine in general but I am a bit nervous about it all. We don’t know each other and with Amy working during the day there could be some awkward “Ok, so we’re both in the house without Amy” moments. Haha…

Also big news is that Matt’s daughter may indeed be moving out here soon. This was looking like it wasn’t going to happen but apparently things have changed. My thoughts on this are still a bit muddled. I think it would be a great thing for this young girl to be here where she would have good role models (of course ;) and could be closer to her father.I also think it will change Amy and I’s lives. Amy’s more drastically than mine. We’re 23….we’re used to complete freedom, having people over until all hours of the morning, and occasionally being really random and silly around the house…sillier than 23 year olds should probably be! Haha!

Anyway, there are many more things that could be happening in the future none of which are things I can control or change and it seems rather ridiculous to wish I could so I will continue to put my faith and trust in the Father who loves me unconditionally and who has already laid out a perfect plan for my life.

Holiday Weekend Madness!

Thanksgiving festivities were even better than I had anticipated. Amy and I joined the Miller family (including their cousin Lauren and both their grandmas), as well as two Navy guys Nick and Jacob who weren't able to go home for the holidays. It was a great group and we had a lot of fun laughing, playing games, and wait for it....hearing the neighbor's son play the bagpipes! Random I know, but he came over and entertained us after our meal...it was actually pretty neat. :)

Friday night Amy and I went over to Nick's where we watched "One Night With the King" and played Call of Duty and Rockband with him and Gerrit. These guys are so funny....they get so into these games! I just don't get it...maybe because I didn't grow up with video games and such I don't understand the amazingness of them?? haha...it was fun to play their games with them and I'm pretty sure my pathetic attempts at actually succeeding at any of them gave them a good laugh as well. ;)

Saturday consisited of massive amounts of fun! Tim planned for several of us to drive to Seattle to see a play of "A Christmas Carol". The girls dressed up in fancy dresses and the boys wore nice jackets and ties. We all looked pretty darn amazing if I may say so myself. :) Tim drove a van which most people rode in and Nick drove my car with me and Amy. In our car we basically had a worship session all the way to Seattle and I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty awesome. :) I just love worshipping with friends and it made me especialy happy that neither Amy nor Nick held back but sang loud and with whatever emotion the song brought to them. What a great way to start an evening! We got to the theater just in time for the play and it was FANTASTIC!! I am officially ready for the Christmas season! lol Afterwards we decided to visit the gum wall...which is cool and disgusting all at the same time...haha and Nick, Amy, and I wandered around Seattle a bit because we were seperated from the other group. What a glorious night!