To even try and summarize all that has happened in my life would be overwhelming at this point. Life, as usual, has been a constant stream of ups and downs that are challenging me to confront various issues in my life and ultimately bring me closer to God.
To be quite frank all of this has frightened me as I've come to many realizations about myself and about my relationship with God. The most rattling one being that I don't know how to accept God's love. I know that I love Him and desire to serve Him with all I am but when it comes to accepting love and joy from him I feel so unworthy and I've realized that I am so filled with lies that I keep an arms length away from it. Scary. If I can't truly accept God's love how can I accept love from others? At first, these thoughts sent me spiraling and I thought I was doomed. Too screwed up to try and figure things out with God now. Thankfully I have really amazing people in my life that don't allow me to entertain those types of thoughts for long.
After seeking wise counsel from others and from scripture and prayer I am feeling better but I know I have a long road ahead of me. I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and it's pretty amazing stuff. Stuff I need to hear and apply to my life. Stuff that is hard but true and good.
Chan writes, "This is the God we serve, the God who knew us before He made us. The God who promises to remain with us and rescue us. The God who loves us and longs for us to love Him back...The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us. That really is amazing beyond description. The holy Creator sees you as His 'glorious inheritance'...God wants us to trust Him with abandon. He wants to show us how He works and cares for us. He wants to be our refuge."
My prayer is that these become truths in my life. Not just things I know but things I am able to understand and accept with all that is within me. There is a song by Spur58 called "Restore Unto Me" which says...
"Restore unto me the joy of who You are. Restore unto me the joy of who You are. You are my God. You are my life. I find myself in You. You are my God. You are my life. I find myself in You. In You."
May this be the cry of my heart...