After 4 months of waiting (mostly impatiently I'll admit) God has finally opened up the door for me to start working! I will be working for an organization called Visiting Nurse Home Care. They work with elderly and disabled individuals in their homes, much like my job in Indiana. I don't have many details yet but I have orientation next Tuesday so I will try to fill in the gaps after that!
I could hardly believe it when I received the call last Thursday for an interview with the company. The reason this was all so unbelievable was the timing of the call.
Just the night before God and I had one, in a series of many difficult discussions, about where I tend to place my trust and how that affects the rest of my life. To my surprise the words "I'm so afraid to put all my trust in you" came out of my mouth. I've realized in recent months that it is difficult for me to put all my trust in God but I hadn't realized that even the idea of it scared me. As I continued to talk this through with him I came to the conclusion that I too often place God on the same level as everyone else in my life, including many who have shown me I can't trust them or really depend on them. Deep down, I've been assuming and expecting God to do the same if I handed everything over to him. What an earth-shattering realization.
These thoughts spiraled me into so many questions about my relationship with God and what this meant for me as a Christian. It was so difficult to realize I've been pushing away the ONLY one I can trust with EVERYTHING. I have wonderful friends who I know care for me and are here for me but there are some things that only God can handle and I must refocus my eyes and heart on Him. As I asked his forgiveness for my foolish thoughts and actions I felt a great release. "Peace and joy can be yours when you rest in me" is the message I felt being spoken to my heart along with a resounding promise of "I will never leave you or forsake and I love you."
For awhile at least, I expect that I will daily have to remind myself where my trust belongs but I believe in time, it will become more natural. God has provided so much for me in the midst of searching for a full time job, including small jobs here and there to provide for my basic needs. I am so thankful as I look back and see all he has done.
I need you Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am save
Capture me with grace
I will follow you.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Just A Few Things
I'm tired so this will be short and sweet.
1. I have really amazing friends. I love and appreciate each one of them so very much. I hope they know that.
2. Battles I thought were over are now raging again. Small visions that lead to big ideas are bad for my heart. I think the battle will cease once again with time but I'm frustrated that I am weak enough for it to began again in the first place.
3. We have four pet fish at our house now thanks to Amy's birthday. Their names are: Gilbert, Alexandro, Cordelia, and Bo-Ski-Bo (Bo for short). Not quite as friendly as a dog or cat but at least I'll have someone to talk to during the day. ;)
There is a lot more going on but it will have to wait for a time when I can coherently unjumble all the thoughts swimming around my mind. So my friends,
Goodnight. :)
1. I have really amazing friends. I love and appreciate each one of them so very much. I hope they know that.
2. Battles I thought were over are now raging again. Small visions that lead to big ideas are bad for my heart. I think the battle will cease once again with time but I'm frustrated that I am weak enough for it to began again in the first place.
3. We have four pet fish at our house now thanks to Amy's birthday. Their names are: Gilbert, Alexandro, Cordelia, and Bo-Ski-Bo (Bo for short). Not quite as friendly as a dog or cat but at least I'll have someone to talk to during the day. ;)
There is a lot more going on but it will have to wait for a time when I can coherently unjumble all the thoughts swimming around my mind. So my friends,
Goodnight. :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Substance
I want relationships with substance, depth, honesty. In days long past I found no difficulty in forming relationships with people that had these things. Here, now, at this stage of life I find it a constant struggle. My personality is one which yearns for, and almost feels incomplete without, deep, personal relationships. Yes, I have friends and they are wonderful BUT beyond the basic surface level conversational pieces I feel like I know nothing about them. I couldn't tell you what's really going on in their lives and what's begun to bother me more is that I have no idea how to encourage or pray for them. How am I, as your friend and sister in Christ supposed to lift you up if I don't really know you?
At Bethel forming close relationships happened quickly. We were all new to the college scene and we bonded immediately through this shared season of life we were all entering into. I'm pretty sure it wasn't more than a week before we had all begun pouring our hearts out to one another. I realize that college life is much different than "real world" life. In college we were all together, all the time. Even when we all had jobs they were on campus and we saw each other throughout the day, at dinner, or during late-night walks around the ponds.
Now I am in this new season of life. Everyone has separate jobs. We all live away from each other. There are limited options of places to go or things to do. Personal conversations don't happen in group settings. That's ok. I've adjusted to that fact. Still, I wish there were opportunities for me to talk to and get to know people better.
The problem I'm running into is that I have no idea how to make this happen. Part of the difficulty is that several people that I've come to care about and wish to know better are males and although I wouldn't mind more personal conversation I fear that they would. Also, many of my friends are in the Navy and will be deployed or finishing up their time even within the next month or so. This puts a major time crunch on the whole thing and I don't know if any of them care to go deeper when they know they're leaving. I just know I wouldn't mind it. There are some ladies here I would also like to get to know better. I admit I feel like it would be simpler to know the ladies, it's just a matter of all of us making the time and getting together.
So, are relationships with substance a possibility or just wishful thinking on my part? Can I ask you to join me for coffee or a relaxing walk with the understanding that the conversation may go beyond surface level? (and I feel I should clarify, I don't want to sit down with people and have this awkward "Tell me your deepest secrets" conversation. I just want to be able to go deeper naturally without feeling like we're all stopping it from getting too personal.)
So that's what's been on my heart and mind lately. I want to know you. I want to be able to encourage and lift you up. I want you to know that you can be honest with me and that I care enough about you to listen to what's going on in your life. To me, friendship, any relationship really, needs to be more than surface level, but if that's all you are able to give me, then I'll take it and I'll love you for what you are able to share.
At Bethel forming close relationships happened quickly. We were all new to the college scene and we bonded immediately through this shared season of life we were all entering into. I'm pretty sure it wasn't more than a week before we had all begun pouring our hearts out to one another. I realize that college life is much different than "real world" life. In college we were all together, all the time. Even when we all had jobs they were on campus and we saw each other throughout the day, at dinner, or during late-night walks around the ponds.
Now I am in this new season of life. Everyone has separate jobs. We all live away from each other. There are limited options of places to go or things to do. Personal conversations don't happen in group settings. That's ok. I've adjusted to that fact. Still, I wish there were opportunities for me to talk to and get to know people better.
The problem I'm running into is that I have no idea how to make this happen. Part of the difficulty is that several people that I've come to care about and wish to know better are males and although I wouldn't mind more personal conversation I fear that they would. Also, many of my friends are in the Navy and will be deployed or finishing up their time even within the next month or so. This puts a major time crunch on the whole thing and I don't know if any of them care to go deeper when they know they're leaving. I just know I wouldn't mind it. There are some ladies here I would also like to get to know better. I admit I feel like it would be simpler to know the ladies, it's just a matter of all of us making the time and getting together.
So, are relationships with substance a possibility or just wishful thinking on my part? Can I ask you to join me for coffee or a relaxing walk with the understanding that the conversation may go beyond surface level? (and I feel I should clarify, I don't want to sit down with people and have this awkward "Tell me your deepest secrets" conversation. I just want to be able to go deeper naturally without feeling like we're all stopping it from getting too personal.)
So that's what's been on my heart and mind lately. I want to know you. I want to be able to encourage and lift you up. I want you to know that you can be honest with me and that I care enough about you to listen to what's going on in your life. To me, friendship, any relationship really, needs to be more than surface level, but if that's all you are able to give me, then I'll take it and I'll love you for what you are able to share.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
ESFJ-The Caregiver
So I took one of those personality type tests awhile back and this was my result! What do you think? Right or wrong? For more on my personality or yours you can visit http://www.personalitypage.com/high-level.html
The Caregiver
As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.
The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.
ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.
With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.
All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controlling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.
ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.
ESFJs as Friends
Although the ESFJ usually puts their family in front of their friends, they do place a lot of importance on their close friendships, and feel tremendous loyalty towards their friends. Since they feel tremendous pressure in their lives to constantly "do their duty", they may sometimes turn their friendships into another task or responsibility. Usually, however, they get a lot of enjoyment from their friendships, and give back a lot of affirming warmth.
There are a couple of ESFJ tendencies which may cause problems with their casual and intimate friendships: 1) they don't give things freely - they expect something in return, and 2) they have a difficult time believing anything bad about someone close to them.
ESFJs are valued by others for their genuine interest in people, and for their warmth and kind-heartedness. They have a special skill at seeing the best in others, and making people feel good about themselves. As such, they usually have a relatively large number of very close friends, usually of all different personality types.
ESFJs are likely to have well-furnished, orderly and attractive homes. They are usually excellents hosts and hostesses, and enjoy throwing parties and having a good time. They like to feel as if they belong to traditions and institutions, and are likely to have a relatively large group of people which they include in their social circles.
The Caregiver
As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.
The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.
ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.
With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.
All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controlling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.
ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.
ESFJs as Friends
Although the ESFJ usually puts their family in front of their friends, they do place a lot of importance on their close friendships, and feel tremendous loyalty towards their friends. Since they feel tremendous pressure in their lives to constantly "do their duty", they may sometimes turn their friendships into another task or responsibility. Usually, however, they get a lot of enjoyment from their friendships, and give back a lot of affirming warmth.
There are a couple of ESFJ tendencies which may cause problems with their casual and intimate friendships: 1) they don't give things freely - they expect something in return, and 2) they have a difficult time believing anything bad about someone close to them.
ESFJs are valued by others for their genuine interest in people, and for their warmth and kind-heartedness. They have a special skill at seeing the best in others, and making people feel good about themselves. As such, they usually have a relatively large number of very close friends, usually of all different personality types.
ESFJs are likely to have well-furnished, orderly and attractive homes. They are usually excellents hosts and hostesses, and enjoy throwing parties and having a good time. They like to feel as if they belong to traditions and institutions, and are likely to have a relatively large group of people which they include in their social circles.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
There Ya Go!
Today Matt, Amy, and I went to Seattle to go to the IKEA store and buy an armour for Amy and I's room. Hmm..I suppose I haven't mentioned why Amy and I will be sharing a room yet. Basically Matt's daughter Mandy is supposed to be coming out to live with us. Things are complicated and not yet definite so I'll just have to keep ya'll posted about that one as the details get worked out!
Anyway, back to my story! On the way out of Oak Harbor we stopped at a gas station. Matt offered to get us something to eat and/or drink so we all started walking toward the station. We noticed that there were two vehicles with very nicely dressed people in them. "How fun!" we thought...just then a nicely dressed young man walked out of the station and Amy holds her hand out and says, "There ya go Sara!" The young man's eyebrows went up and I gasped and stared at Amy with wide-eyed wonder that she would say something so bluntly right in front of a person! We get into the station and Amy wants to know what I'm so upset about so I explained that I didn't appreciate her proclaiming that I might be interested in someone, especially right in front of him! She gasps and finally explains that she was talking about a "help wanted" sign in the window! Unfortunately Matt and I, and I'm afraid this young man as well, all thought she was talking about something very different! haha!
There will never be a dull moment in my life with Amy around... :)
Anyway, back to my story! On the way out of Oak Harbor we stopped at a gas station. Matt offered to get us something to eat and/or drink so we all started walking toward the station. We noticed that there were two vehicles with very nicely dressed people in them. "How fun!" we thought...just then a nicely dressed young man walked out of the station and Amy holds her hand out and says, "There ya go Sara!" The young man's eyebrows went up and I gasped and stared at Amy with wide-eyed wonder that she would say something so bluntly right in front of a person! We get into the station and Amy wants to know what I'm so upset about so I explained that I didn't appreciate her proclaiming that I might be interested in someone, especially right in front of him! She gasps and finally explains that she was talking about a "help wanted" sign in the window! Unfortunately Matt and I, and I'm afraid this young man as well, all thought she was talking about something very different! haha!
There will never be a dull moment in my life with Amy around... :)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I thought there was a lot I wanted to say but I'll sum it all up with this...I don't understand most things happening in my life right now. Despite my best efforts to avoid it, I'm really angry about most of those things. I feel alone and like no one gets where I'm coming from. I feel like a selfish jerk for the above-mentioned things. The end.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Life has kind of turned upside-down in our household lately. It's not really bad stuff...overwhelming, unexpected at this time...but not bad. It's more of a family issue but because I live here it has quickly become my issue as well. I'm struggling with how to handle it exactly. I'm finding myself to be selfish in most of my thoughts. Nervous and unsure in the rest. I'm trying to remember to be still and rest upon God's peace. My God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He knows the situation better than any of us and will give us the wisdom we need to deal with any issues that arise along the way.
God, make me strong.
God, make me strong.
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